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| 11:46pm 04/06/2006 |
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mood:  amused
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"I wake up every morning next to my boyfriend and I think...~sighs contently~ I could make him breakfast or blungeon him to death with a baseball bat. Then he wakes up and I am like "Do you want waffles honey?" as I mumble "yeah...I let you live another day" - Lynn Koplitz
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| Z's Famous Faerie Cakes Recipes |
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| 01:37am 25/05/2006 |
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mood:  depressed music: Tori Amos - Appolo's Frock
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Due to so many requests I am now sharing my faerie cake recipe. I normally double up the recipe because they are really popular. These were Rian's favs. She loved to eat them as well as assist in baking them. Always offer one to faeries when you do bake them...I find it brings good luck. :)
History:
In Ireland, faerie cakes are served on Nollaig na MBam, Women's Christmas, which is celebrated on December 12. Like hot cross buns, these faerie cakes have magickal properties. Besides enabling you to see faeries, they work as a fertility charm and will heal the sick- but only if baked on that day.
Z's Famous Faerie Cakes:
1 Stick of Butter
2/3 cup sugar
2 eggs, beaten
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1 1/4 cups flour
1 tablespoon milk
1/3 cup mixed dried fruit (optional, can be replaced with nutts)
Z's Orange Faerie Cakes:
1 Stick of Butter
2/3 cup sugar
2 eggs, beaten
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
Grated rind of one orange
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1 1/4 cups flour
1 tablespoon milk
1/3 cup mixed dried fruit (optional, can be replaced with nutts)
Cream the butter and sugar together until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs, vanilla and almond (or orange rind depending upon recipe you use above.) Sieve the baking power and flour together and add to the butter mixture slowly. Add a little milk to create a batter of dropping consistency. Fold in mixed dried fruit and spoon the mixture into a well-greased muffin cups. Bake at 375 degrees for 25 minutes. Drizzle on sugar icing and serve.
For sugar icing, combine powdered sugar with boiling water.
If you have any questions email me at ZennieEnid@aol.com
Luv,
Z |
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| ~growls~ |
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| 12:51am 28/04/2006 |
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mood:  ~gettin ma bitch on~ music: FC Kahuna - Hayling
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I really don’t feel like writing in my journal anymore because frankly there is no damn point. Alas…here goes probably one of my last entries:
If you are reading this…most likely somehow parts of this apply to you.
I am so sick and tired of making certain people a priority in my life, being loyal to their cause and backing them up with an iron fist only to be second best or just someone they say they adore and love yet almost seem distant OR distracted when it comes down to maintaining the important parts of the friendship. You see I am willing even when I am busy as fuck to postpone and switch my schedule around if need be when someone needs me. I am always everyones damn rock and shoulder to cry on. All this most of you already know.
What I resent the most is actually showing a shard of myself that could appear to be weak- for example grieving Rian- and people totally ignoring me, freezing up, or acting cold when I reach out to grasp them because I am fucking drowning. YET its ok for them to come to me with their rag tag bullshit that is a perpetual cycle of childish behavior/ made up psychosis that they KNOW they need to modify and yet don’t. You either do what yer say you are going to do or don’t fucking say anything to me about how your life sucks or how you are so depressed over XYZ.
They think happiness is a fucking pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and somehow Z has the little map that shows how to get there. Well I wish I had that damn map, but alas I don’t- and I don’t have a magic wand to wave to make you all better either. It takes work to get the things you want and need in life. If you aren’t willing to work for them than just admit you’re a lazy mother fucker and get over it.
Frankly I cannot take this treatment anymore and I just won’t stand for it. You do or you don’t simply as that. You are either going to make me a priority as I do you or you can fucking walk. I refuse to talk to people anymore that seem to be distracted or are simply convenient friends who claim they adore me so much.
So fuck all of you. I wish the lot of you the best of luck in whatever self created drama you wish to live through. When you are done playing little roles and games I will be here…minding my own like I always do- living the REAL WAY of this way of life- and loving every minute of it.
Luv,
Z |
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| Easter Here |
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| 01:32pm 16/04/2006 |
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mood: happy music: Tori Amos - Over It
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Yesterday Rea came over early in the morning (which is odd for her on the weekends) to talk to me about the festivities we had planned for Easter. Things have been so busy around here that we knew Easter was this weekend BUT preparations for the holiday fell by the way side. I had volunteered to hold Easter at my place complete with me cooking in lieu of Rowan being home permanently. Rea of course volunteered to assist as well as Dylan. Great! That means everyone will be in my kitchen- hey thanks. Oh well. PLUS, I have to feed 23 people!!! Wowie!
After shopping, prepping and making as much the night before (with the help of Kayla, Rea, and Dylan) I awoke this morning to a symphony of lawn mowers outside. When I got up and looked out about 12 people that were invited to come to spend Easter were mowing my lawn- including Dr. Papa Anderson, Dean, Dylan, Kris, Mikie, Aussie, Mia and Erin. I went out on the porch and managed to catch Dean. He stopped long enough for something to drink and told me they had planned to catch up on the mowing so I wouldn’t have to worry. What normally takes about 3 days to mow took only 4 hours!!!
Right now I just got done in the kitchen putting finishing touches on stuff and the ham is cooking away. Everyone went home to get cleaned up OR is getting cleaned up here (they brought a change of clothes).
Mikie is snapping pictures like crazy and when I am not in the kitchen or sitting there resting I am also. At the moment Erin, Dean, and Rowan are out side kicking the soccer ball around. Rea and Dylan are on their way back over.
I can’t help but miss Rian like crazy….
Hope everyone has/had a good Easter. Happy Spring. :D
Luv,
Z |
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| Thoughts right now.... |
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| 08:18pm 14/04/2006 |
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mood:  contemplative music: Axiom of Choice - Raindrops
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Rowan is home permanently after a long time away. I remember when I admitted there was nothing I could do for her and how hard it was to hand my child off to someone else to fix. My little girl did indeed come to me damaged, but I was strong enough to say I did not have all the answers. It was a very hard thing for me to admit all that in the wake of Rian’s death and my illness. I will say I did spend many a days pondering if I did the right thing. However, looking at her now and how her face lights up even up to her eyes I know I did the right thing.
Holidays and Birthdays are still very hard for me for I miss Rian so badly. I pretend like I don’t but every fiber of my being still grieves for her. The other day I had me one of those “I miss Rian” days where I just could not get her out of my head. I allow joy in my life but only in small intervals so I don’t feel so guilty about enjoying what time I do have. I know it’s wrong to do considering I have another child to tend to and love.
A few weeks ago I had a talk with Dean. He informed me that I was forgetting how to feel again. Often times he has to remind me that my emotions are not like a tap where they can be turned on and off at will. It’s sad really. Some would be envious of this but really it’s hard to work through because half the time I do not know what emotion to use for what- but I am getting better.
Rowan brings me great joy and great hope that one day all will be well and we will live happily ever after as her and I both deserve. I wish things were that simple. That happily ever after was simply reuniting with her. She has such a long damaged road a head of her still, but through her time away she was given the necessary tools for her to apply and LIVE through it.
As for me…I don’t know if I am getting worse or better. The doctors told me the tumor has shrunk 25% but honestly I feel so sick all the time. I am in immense pain as my body heals. I say heals because I want so much to live through this. Not because I am selfish and wish for my life, but because I know so many people NEED me.
Never have I felt so loved and so alone as I experience this journey. I don’t expect those to understand that statement, but I will try to explain: Dying you do alone. You can have people about you, yes, but no one can even come close to fathoming the depths of hysteria and rage you feel as a body betrays you and a small child needs you so desperately.
My hope is that one day with or without me Rowan will grow up to be a Lady of Honor and Strength. That she will have healthy relationships and be able to know her self worth is immeasurable. I want her to pursue the unreachable dream, grasp hold tight of it, and go for the ride.
I just pray I am there to witness her greatness. God…I never knew I could love someone so much as I love her at this very moment…and I know as time passes I will love her ever more so…and I will never ever stop…not even when this body has failed me.
She may not be my flesh, my blood, my bone...but she is still my babygirl- always.
Much Luv,
Z |
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| A Conversation |
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| 08:16pm 08/04/2006 |
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mood:  content music: Postal Service - Misc Songs :)
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When I was tucking Rowan into bed last night this is was part of our conversation, Kayla happened to over hear it and recorded it:
Rowan: Can Kangaroo Man and Jen come spend the night? Me and Jen and you and Aunt Erin and Aunt Kayla can have a slumber party and we can smash mailboxes not do that girly stuff!
Me: (laughter) well, maybe one day but we cannot smash mailbox...anyways what would Kangaroo Man do with all those girls around. He would feel bad for being left out.
Rowan: He can come along to and drive...
Me: He cannot drive he will kill us all cus he will drive on the wrong side of the road!
Rowan: ok you drive!
Me: I will kill us all cus I will drive on the wrong side of the road.
Rowan: I will drive!
Me: you will kill us all cus you will be driving on the sidewalk!
Rowan: Fine! But can Jen spend the night?
Me: But what about Kangaroo man?
Rowan: He can spend the night
Me: What will all of us do? What will the day be like?
Rowan: We will wake up really early before the sun comes up and go horseback riding....we will watch the sun come up...we will go home and have breakfast in the sunroom or out on the back deck...then we will watch cartoons and nap some...You can teach Jen how to bake fairy cakes and we can go on a picnic in the fairy garden. We can feed the birdies and look for fairies...we can toss a baseball around or a football I don’t care...cus Dean will be there and I like doing that stuff with him. Then we will go for a hike...and to the Japanese Gardens and you will take lots of pictures! We will go to the Zoo too. We will go to the magic time machine for dinner! You wont make me wear a dress would you?!
Me: Never…
Rowan: ok…no dress….We will go home and get out the telescope and look at the stars…we will find Rian in the sky and then…and and have a big bond fire. We can ride on the quads, roast marshmallows and stay up really late!
Me: (laughing) sounds like fun!
Rowan: yeah it would be
Me: Now snuggle down…close your eyes…and let that carry you off to sleep…
Rowan: sing to me
Me: about?
Rowan: Etapants and Woosils!
Me: how about “I am just a little black rain cloud”?
Rowan: ok, mommy?
Me: yes?
Rowan: will I see you when I wake up?
Me: of course
Rowan: ok cus I miss you when I am asleep
I cant wait until she is home for good!
Love,
Z |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| 06:48pm 07/04/2006 |
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mood:  ~dont know how I feel~ music: Axiom of Choice - Various Songs :)
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I do not know where to start. I am not bad, but I am not good either. I am somewhere in-between and just when I think things are turning out for the better they tend to not go anywhere or bad things happen.
This passed weekend I got a jump on spring planting. We got the veggie garden done as well as the herb/flower gardens. I have beautiful planters on the porches as well as in the sunroom and on the windowsills; Lots of lavender, snapdragons, lilies, mint, sage, basil etc.
We also started on our spring cleaning. Yeah, I know it’s kind of late but I was in the hospital when we had planned to get started only after postponing it because of the drama with Sean. We managed to get All the Closets, Rowan’s room, Guest Room, Family Room, Formal Living/ Music Room done this week. That consisted of scrubbing walls, steam cleaning carpets, taking down window treatments and washing those, dusting, and mopping. As well as going through old boxes of stored stuff and throwing away or donating stuff we didn’t need or want. The House isn’t done but soon it will be and when it is I have to bless it again. Luckily because the House was kept so clean during the winter it wasn’t so bad.:)
I am gearing up for Easter. That is when Rowan will be coming home permanently. She has been staying weekends each weekend turning longer and longer until by Easter she will not have to go back at all. I really do think she is looking forward to being home on a regular basis.
In preparation for the Holiday I pulled out the box of Easter stuff and went through it to be sure baskets were in tact, if I needed that brightly colored “Easter grass” or if I needed more Easter eggs to hide about the House. As I was going through everything of course I found Rian’s basket. I am still going to put it out. I don’t know what but I feel the need to do so.
I felt kinda weird yesterday so to compensate for that I did a little shopping. Rea and I went and got baskets for Erin and Kayla as well as things to put in them. Then I came home and did a little shopping online to order the last of the things I need for Easter baskets. So, all and all yesterday was good.
Today…well, I don’t know how I feel. The wind was blowing so much we had a wind advisory. I had to bring in my potted flowers on the porches for fear their little heads would snap right the hell off. :(
I finally got a high speed internet connection so my Neopet isnt dying. LOL
Oh, and new products coming soon to The Hollow as well as a Spring Sale! http://www.thehollowgifts.com/
I guess thats it...
Luv,
Z |
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| For a Friend... |
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| 11:00pm 30/03/2006 |
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mood: sad music: Vas - Valeh
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This sadly was inspired by an event my dear friend is going through. She said "I don't want to be an after thought." Just those words told so much of what she was going through. So...this is for her and anyone who has experianced this sort of pain. -Z
"After Thought"
By Z
I wanted to thank you for this pain
for all of it
it doesn't hurt anymore
it just numbs me
I smile now; give a little nod
because its so expected to be
just an after thought.
I was placed some where in the back
boxed up and put away
only taken out and dusted off on occasion
when you felt obligated to notice
when you were compelled to give a second of your time
I don't want to be your after thought.
I don’t want to be your anything.
I just don’t want you to notice anymore
so it doesn’t hurt when you forget. |
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| Ramble me this... |
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| 12:45am 28/03/2006 |
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mood:  in pain music: Fairy Night Songs (whole album)
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“I hurt where I can’t feel; I feel where I can’t hurt”
I don’t think anyone can fathom the physical pain I am in. I hurt so badly that I just sit as still as possible even at times not breathing just to try to get it to stop. Every part of my body screams in agony right down to the marrow in my bones. I can feel every fiber shrieking for some sort of relief, but none comes. No…not in a form of a pill, not in a shot, not in liquid form, smoke form…nothing helps.
Sometimes tears dare to well in my eyes and slip down my cheeks signaling to those outside that the smile I have painted on was just a mere façade. Then they fuss and bustle about me whispering delicate comforting words afraid to touch me for I may fall apart. -I wish I would-
I do think of death a lot. The pain grows to be so unbearable that to think of death it brings solace because the thought of living through this seems so horrendous. There is no end. If there was an end I think I could survive, but I see no end.
The days are so damn long and to rest is to just lay there wishing to be plucked from a body that is dying and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. I am forgetting things- Important things. I cannot hold full conversations and stay on one subject. To write in my journal takes several attempts over many a days just to be able to post one thing.
The thing that frightens me the most is what if my mind slips away before those in my life could say what needed to be said? Some think there is time…but honestly…what is time? Anyone could die at any minute.
I am angry at God. I am angry at myself for not being strong enough to choose when to end this. I am just in so much blinding pain that I just do not feel there will ever be a way out.
I do not expect anyone to understand….it all makes sense in my head…
Luv,
Z |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Update |
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| 11:56pm 25/03/2006 |
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mood: happy music: Smashing Pumpkins - A Night Like This (Cure Cover)
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Erin Posting For Z:
She has been out of the hospital now for one whole day. She has been really doing all she can for herself when she feels up to it. Good things happened today which gives us all a lot of hope.
Several weeks ago Z has suggested that Dean's band do a Cure Cover of "A Night Like This" but more true to the Smashing Pumpkins version of the song. When she played it for them we all knew it was going to be something they could work with. Then as she was showing them chords and teaching them the lyrics her voice just sounded perfect. So, she is going to sing harmony and play the cello on this song.
Dean's band met today and she decided she felt up to sitting in. When they got to that song to practice she jumped right in on cello. She was not 100% but for what she has been through she sounded damn good. All of the guys were impressed. They have always been impressed with her. She always fills in when someone cannot show up. lol
She is just amazing. :)
<3Erin
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"A Night Like This"
By Smashing Pumpkins (Cure Cover)
say goodbye on a night like this
if it's the last thing we ever do
you never looked as lost as this
sometimes it doesn't even look like you
it goes dark
it goes darker still
please stay
but i watch you like i'm made of stone
as you walk away
i'm coming to find you if it takes me all night
a witch hunt for another girl
for always and ever is always for you
your trust
the most gorgeously stupid thing i ever cut in the world
so say hello on a day like today
say it every time you move
the way that you look at me now
makes me wish i was you
it goes deep
it goes deeper still
this touch
and the smile
and the shake of your head
and the smile
and the shake of your head
i'm coming to find you if it takes me all night
can't stand here like this anymore
for always and ever is always for you
i want it to be perfect
like before
oh, i want to change it all
oh, i want to change
oh, i want to change it all
oh, i want to change |
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| Phantoms |
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| 10:41pm 19/03/2006 |
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mood: peaceful music: Loreena McKennitt - Ancient Pines
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I am counting my blessings right now. A very odd day I had filled with a lot of weird mixed feelings.
First and foremost Texas had very bad storms rip through it- especially through the DFW metroplex area as well as surrounding counties. In some areas they had up to 10 inches of rain fall in one day. To better understand how messed up that is on an average in a year Texas gets 30-34 inches of rain. We got 10 inches in one day.
Needless to say there was a lot of flooding including flooding on my land with most of it being a complete river that came up to the house. Luckily my home is up off the ground so no flood waters came into the house. They expect us to get more rain/thunder storms and possibly tornados up until midday tomorrow.
As the day wore on slowly and the rain fell outside I lit a fire in the fireplace and moved a fairly good sized cedar chest in front of it. I sat down and went through everything. This box I call my pagan box. It contains everything a witchie-poo like me needs to work spells. I hadn’t been through it in sometime (about two years) and thought it was time.
When I opened the box I felt the ghosts of my pass rush out, through me and into the room. As I pulled each little box, jar, bag and book out I was swept through the pages of my history back to a time when I was coming into my being- when I was discovering my own self worth. I shifted through all the objects within the box as the fire crackled on and the rain fell outside.
I could feel my spiritual self stir within me. Hands touched the many things that brought me comfort in turbulent times. I found myself sitting in a trace like state reliving those times and bringing forth those feelings to the present to let them linger with the smell of incense and herbs about me.
I re-blessed everything including the box and reorganized everything. Then I sat still by the warmth of the fire sipping my peppermint tea feeling those that I had lost through my life joining me. Their presence filled the room and my heart ultimately leaving me longing for that feeling that had died in me so long ago.
Even as I sit here I can feel it now whispering. I feel something stirring within me. It’s time….to work magick.
Luv,
Z |
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| Somewhere along the line...we betrayed ourselves.... |
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| 12:25am 16/03/2006 |
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mood: contemplative music: Foo fighters - Stairway to Heaven
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What did you want to be when you grew up?
That’s the question I asked myself today. Would the little Z look at the big Z and say, “wow I fucked up!” or would she smile and say, “you are everything I wanted to be.” Yeah, I know I think weird things but today I did a small survey. How did we betray/protect our younger selves and our dreams.
Here are the results from the emails I got in reply to my question. Not everyone replied but thats ok:
(Happiness levels are rated 1-10 with 10 being the highest)
~Anya~
Childhood Career Choice: Writer / Opera Singer
What the Parents Wanted: Anything that didn’t cost them money for her schooling.
Adult Career Choice: Working as a cashier at a grocery store.
Overall Happiness: 6
~Brea~
Childhood Career Choice: Opera Prima Donna
What the Parents Wanted: To sit there and look pretty
Adult Career Choice: Bitch
Overall Happiness: 3
~Dani~
Childhood Career Choice: Veterinarian
What the Parents Wanted: Anything that got her out of their house.
Adult Career Choice: Striper and all around hoe bag
Overall Happiness: 4
~Dean~
Childhood Career Choice: Fireman / Professional Skateboarder
What the Parents Wanted: Anything that made him happy.
Adult Career Choice: Child Shrink
Overall Happiness: 9
~Erin~
Childhood Career Choice: Scientist
What the Parents Wanted: Just to graduate HS was fine. lol
Adult Career Choice: Forensic Scientist specializing in DNA
Overall Happiness: 9.5
~Gaby~
Childhood Career Choice: Astronomy
What the Parents Wanted: A House Wife
Adult Career Choice: Public Relations
Overall Happiness: 9.5
~Habe~
Childhood Career Choice: Something that involved Art
What the Parents Wanted: To be a Doctor
Adult Career Choice: Graphic Designs
Overall Happiness: 8
~Kali~
Childhood Career Choice: Pediatrician
What the Parents Wanted: Anything that made her happy.
Adult Career Choice: Working as a waitress
Overall Happiness: 6
~Kayla~
Childhood Career Choice: Prima Ballerina
What the Parents Wanted: Prima Ballerina
Adult Career Choice: Professional Dancer & Instructor
Overall Happiness: 8
~Meggy~
Childhood Career Choice: Teacher
What the Parents Wanted: Anything better then what her own mom was.
Adult Career Choice: Owns and Runs a Child Daycare / Mother of Two.
Overall Happiness: 8.5
~Melissa~
Childhood Career Choice: Artist
What the Parents Wanted: Didn’t Care
Adult Career Choice: Working at a fast good joint
Overall Happiness: 5
~Michele~
Childhood Career Choice: To make it to her adulthood
What the Parents Wanted: To Marry a Guy
Adult Career Choice: Resident full blown Lesbian working at Taco Bell
Overall Happiness: 7
~Mikie~
Childhood Career Choice: Photographer
What the Parents Wanted: Take over the family business
Adult Career Choice: Photographer :)
Overall Happiness: 10
~Rea~
Childhood Career Choice: Princess
What the Parents Wanted: Anything that made money
Adult Career Choice: Master Herbalist & Small Business Owner
Overall Happiness: 8.5
~Zoë~
Childhood Career Choice: Orchestra Conductor
What the Parents Wanted: Corporate Attorney
Adult Career Choice: Music Therapist & overall Musician/Song Writer/Performer
Overall Happiness: 7.8
I think for several of us we have a lot of explaining to do to our younger selves. What did you wanna be when you grew up? Would your smaller self be happy/sad?
Luv,
Z |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| The Kite |
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| 02:53pm 11/03/2006 |
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mood: content music: ZRS - Story of You
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This morning I sat sipping my tea on the back porch looking out over the land. I sat quietly listening to the birds chirping while the wind blew passed me is soft gusts. My mind was wondering over memories. It pillaged through the drawers and spaces to the memories I swept under the proverbial rug like dirt. Normally when those scenes float in my head I quickly push them away avoiding any interaction with them. However, this morning was different. I was remembering.
Yes, Remembering.
Sweeping through my youth in a swirl of time I came to my childhood. For some reason I remember sitting out in the backyard on a patch of soft green grass. For some odd reason I remember I was wearing shiny paten(sp)leather Mary Jane shoes with the little rufflie white socks. Is AKA Israel was sitting with me and he was showing me how to make my own kite. His words were calm and he smiled so warmly. He softly kept reminding me I should be careful not to get my dress dirty. “Now watch your dress now, little one, we don’t want to get it all messy.”
We ended up completing the kite by pulling thin fabric taught on the frame we had been working on for about three days here and there because Is kept getting called away by Kaleb. To be honest Is should not have been so kind as to entertain me or assist me but he did. He would sneak away when Kaleb didn’t need him.
I of course ended the memory before it got to the part where Kaleb smashed my kite. I honestly didn’t wish to relive that part. So, with that warm memory I finished my tea and went to Dean for assistance on an idea I had for Rowan.
The previous year the girls and I had attempted to make kites but things just got so busy that it went by the way side. Armed with Dean at my side I went out to my work shop in the pole barn and with his assistance he helped me finish the kites the girls and I worked on from the previous year.
I took the beautiful kites with me to see Rowan so we could fly them. As I sat there with her out on the plush lawn I spoke to her about the warm memory I had this morning. I showed her how to fly the kite and before we knew it a swirl of color dotted the sky above our heads. Rowan…was smiling…and she giggled.
Soon other kids came over to investigate. Several assistants came along as well. They all took turns flying the kites and I actively engaged them in a discussion about color, sound, weather, etc and before I knew it I was turning it all into a functional therapeutic/learning lesson. I really had forgotten how much I liked working with children. When I stood there realizing what was happening I felt little arms around my waste. I looked down to find Rowan huggling me tightly. With every ounce of strength in me I lifted her up and hugged her close and spun her around like I used too only for the two of us to fall down.
When I got up and brushed myself off while asking the kids to sit in a circle I looked over to see Dean standing under a distant tree with several of his colleagues and a few nurses. They were looking on. I waved to them and Dean in sign language told me to go on. So, I did.
I worked with the kids not on their mental or physical problems but just on tapping into finding things that make them happy. We discussed the parts of the kite, colors, sounds, weather, and the importance of communication and sharing- the normal kids stuff. In all of it Rowan hung off my every word- that in it self made everything worth while.
When the time came for the kids to head off for lunch I took Rowan aside and we had a picnic I packed. Dean came and joined us of course. He mentioned how the Doctors were real impressed and when he told them I was a music therapist they asked if I could possibly work with some of their different kids. They understood my position as to where I am at with my Health but wondered if perhaps once a week I could work with a group of kids around Rowan’s age and younger.
When I packed up to leave and said my goodbyes to Rowan I was pulled aside by several of the doctors and presented with the offer. I told them when I come to see Rowan on Monday that I would discuss it further with them.
So all because of a rain drop of memory that hit in the puddle that is my mind it lead me to complete the kites and tapped into my abilities as a human being to place smiles upon small faces of children that their hearts and heads felt overwhelmed.
I honestly don’t think the Gods could have given me a better purpose. Thank you Is for inspiring me and taking the time when I was just a little Z to plant that seed. It may have meant nothing to you but it sparked a remembrance that revived my tired soul that I so deperately need.
Much Luv,
Z |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Comforting Sadness... |
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| 11:15pm 09/03/2006 |
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mood: sad music: Misc. Classic Shiat
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I snapped awake from a deep sleep with thoughts of an old friend. Someone I invested 12 years of my life too only to be used as a stepping stone. I wanted so much to believe she was someone worth having in my life because I saw glimpses of who she really was under all her selfishness and narcissistic behavior. She was like a sister to me. We shared many a good and bad times together. I had written her off several years ago when she wrote me a letter that basically stated goodbye. She spoke of how she couldn’t maintain our friendship because she realized she was selfish and that she was married now. She hung with a new group now that most likely wouldn’t accept me as her friend. In reply sent her a wooden box with a picture in it of her and I. Inside rolled up in a scroll was a beautiful traditional Celtic poem about basically how the box was filled with my hope and love for her and even though the box maybe empty for her it is full no matter what. Along with all that came a letter from me telling her it was fine she felt that way. I explained how it sickened me that she thought our friendship was only on a certain term and basis that met her needs- a friendship of connivance. I wished her the best and went upon my merry way.
I awoke with her words ringing through my head; the words that have saved me time and time again. I thought the bond we shared had been broken. However, there must be some inkling of it there if I feel a deep longing. I don’t regret cutting ties. I just miss her. I miss the laughter, the deep meaningful talks, and our sisterhood.
It makes me sad, but I do not mourn the loss of our friendship more so then I cherish the time we spent together sculpting ourselves to stumble through adulthood blindly. I can still feel the wind blowing through my hair as we sat in the old graveyard on a mild autumn night. I can still see the light reflecting off the lake as we sat under the stars. I can hear her laughter. I can smell the cherry blossoms.
~sighs~ Most say…”I cant understand why it is this way…” where as I know. Frankly, I wish I didn’t. I wish I could weave in my mind that it was something as stupid as whatever girls fight over but it wasn’t. It was something as petty as her being ashamed of who I am and was.
“I will always pull you from the edge of whatever cliff you are hanging from…I want so much for you to see all the transcendent things that I have been fortunate enough to see. Gods, you have such an amazing amount of talent and love and…hell, MAGIC to give the world and everyone around you! When I am with you, even in the darkest times, I feel all of that emanating from you. You are one of the only true and pure things – that is, this profound bond that we share – that I will ever “possess”. Don’t ever forget that, I want those words to ring in your mind when you’ve got the blade to your arm, the drug to your lips, or when you reach for the gun. Remember what I’ve written you, and know that my love, devotion, and friendship will never die, because you are the spark that revives my soul time and again”~Anya 12/04/00
I wonder now if that was a lie…
I wonder when I will let go of her words…
Luv,
Z
http://www.thehollowgifts.com/ |
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| Guten Morgan :) |
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| 07:15am 06/03/2006 |
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mood: content music: Tori Amos - Leather
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I did a lot of stuff yesterday- well a lot for me in the condition I am in. I baked pies, cookies, and brownies. I even made a big ole pot of beacon cheesy broccoli potato soup. The soup turned out to be a smash and I had plenty left over to pack in lunches. After cleaning up I started to wind down some; I took a bath and went to meditate. About 5 minutes into my meditation I had a really bad seizure that left me drained and exhausted. Dean had to carry me into bed and tuckle me in all safe like.
I slept until I heard his alarm go off. He told me he would take care of the morning rituals to stay in bed. I only stayed in bed a half hour longer until I just couldn’t take it anymore. I got up and finished packing up lunches, made breakfast for everyone, and cleaned up the dishes with Kayla’s help.
When I went to let Beanie out side and go feed the horses (with Dean’s help) it was so foggy out I could hardly see my hand in front of my face. That worried me because Erin and Dean have to drive winding roads in it. Erin seemed a bit nervous to drive in it so Dean agreed to take her to work.
The funny thing is Dean’s cell phone died today. Erin dropped hers yesterday and it broke. Mine has been on the fritz for about a month. So, Dean grabbed up everyone’s phones and is going to take them in for repair. However, when he left he had forgotten my phone. LOL Alas, I am thinking my phone will never get fixed. LOL
The sun is now out clearing up the fog some. Looking out the window I can see Reef (my horse) chillin in the morning air full from his breakfast. I have already done my tae chi and had a small breakfast. I may go for a ride later this morning depending upon Reef’s disposition. ~peeks out the window again~ He seems to be user friendly today…but we shall see. ~giggles~
There are several projects I am working on that I may do something with them today. However, it goes to how it always revolves on how I feel. I plan on going over to Rea’ when I get off here to have morning tea with her before she starts filling orders for the day.
I cannot wait to see Rowan today. Dean said he will meet up with me when I see Rowan just to check in and such. I think that is his way of getting to see me even if its just for a few minutes. ~laughs~ and that’s ok. That kinda makes me feel wanted. Heh.
Well, its time to start my day.
How is everyone?!
Luv,
Z
http://www.thehollowgifts.com/ |
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| Joyful Girl |
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| 12:10pm 05/03/2006 |
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mood: content music: Ani Difranco - 32 Flavors
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Yesterday was one of those days that was an eye opener. I spent most of the day with Rea detoxify my body, mind, and spirit. I exercised through doing tae chi and focused my healing powers in ward to assist my body in combating all the bad stuff happening within it. I ate well, drank well, and laughed with every part of me for the first time in a long time.
It all just got to a point to where I was out of control. I know this now. I know I was selfish and only thinking of me but doing it in a negative way. That is ok though because I changed it. I am better. I am on day two and I actually feel great.
I awoke to a mild morning and a cool breeze blowing through my window. Dean has his arms around me clenching me close yet delicately. (Spooning is indeed a wonderful thing lol) For once I felt safe. When he sensed me stirring he squeezed slightly hugging me. I felt myself smiling as I told him I had to get up and exercise. With a small negotiation I remained in bed for 15 more minutes before we got up, got dressed, and went for a walk to my favorite spot on the land. We practiced our tae chi, had a cup of tea, and then headed back to the House for a light breakfast we ate out on the Sun porch.
I had several errands to run picking up misc. stuff from the store so Dean took me to do that. We got back and I am here now. I need to bake a couple pies, brownies, and some cookies for an open House Dean is having for work. I told him I would handle that because he has been just so good to me lately.
It’s amazing how with a clear head you realize so many things. I am loved. I am loved more so then I ever thought by people who are true. Rea saved my life yesterday. Dean is helping to tug me along the right path- and he loves me. Patimn is the one that sustains my soul & sanity time and time again (and he doesn’t take bullshit from me lol) not to mention he loves me without rhyme or reason. Rowan is the reason why I live and fight this illness.
I like where I am at now. I want to live at least 50-60 more years God willing. I am so blessed that is overwhelms me. Yeah, I like where I am at.
Luv,
Z
http://www.thehollowgifts.com/ |
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| ~sighs~ |
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| 07:36pm 04/03/2006 |
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mood: confused music: Ani Difranco - Sick of Me
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This says it all:
"Sick of Me"
~Ani Difranco
how sick of me
must you be by now?
while you're standing
just outside
of what your pride
will allow
always reaching
into yourself
to find a new way
to understand me
when i'm sure
that there's no one else
in the world that could withstand me
yeah, the first person in your life
to ever really matter
is saying the last thing
that you want to hear
and you are listening hard
through the splintering shards
of your life as it shatters
and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear
i took to the stage
with my outrage
in the bad old days
when you were the "make me mad" guy
but the songs
they come out more slowly
now that i am the bad guy
and i say
"i'm sorry that i am so crazy, i am astounded by your patience."
but you say
"believe or not baby, the joy you bring me still outweighs it."
yeah, the first person in your life
to ever really matter
is saying the last
thing that you want to hear
and you are listening hard
through the splintering shards
of your life as it shatters
and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear
tell me how sick of me must you be by now? |
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| ~growls~ |
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| 06:56pm 01/03/2006 |
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mood: angry music: ~whispers of meanie heads~
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It is supposed to be my "special day" and they are in the next room fucking talkin about me. Fuck them! -Z |
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| Tonight, Tonight |
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| 01:54am 01/03/2006 |
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mood:  tired music: A Movie: "Corpse Bride"
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The insanity, depression, desperation, and petrified fear are running muck in my household. I sit here trying to focus myself as I partake in a wonderful handmade ginger drink that Dean made me.
Earlier today Sean was released into my care. The reason why he was released to my care and not his Parent’s was because 1. He is 19 years old and 2. He is too ashamed to face his father and Rea. So, instead of going to the state hospital his father and I agreed it would be best he stay in my care. Dylan and Rea spent a good portion of the evening speaking with him. They even stayed when he fell asleep in the guest room.
I shuffled off to bed at 9:00pm when they left. I figured I should try to get some sleep in. I had banished Erin and Kayla to the apartment above the pole barn so that all attention can be focused on Sean and his recovery. At around 11:30pm Sean came into my room slowly. Before he could whisper my name I sat up concerned. He was crying hysterically asking if he could talk to me. Of course I obliged. After sometime of working through his thoughts and getting him to calm down I called Dean and his Father. They both rushed over, of course.
Sean had sat down on the floor with his back to the corner of the room. He curled up into a ball as he spoke and opened up for the first time since his childhood. As Dean and I backed out slowly his Dad and Rea moved forward to handle the situation. Dean watched on as I sat at the kitchen table sipping my tea deep in thought.
I honestly do not know how Dean does it. How he so selflessly puts himself in a position where he is surrounded by upset and insanity. It takes a strong person to deal with it professionally but also to instantly step up in the personal. He has been there for me to help weed through so many things in my life. He was there for Rian and is working miracles with Rowan.
After Dylan and Rea reassured him that this will be worked through step by step we all sat down to see what we could do to better assist him. For once he thought of someone else aside from himself and said that his Parents need to go home and get sleep for he knew they hardly had a wink. So, right now Dean is snoozling on the couch and Sean is watching a movie. He has set three differant tea's and a smothie in front of him for which he is drinking the peppermint tea and the smothie- which is a start.
The thing that unsettled me is he never hugs anyone and if he gets hugged he never hugs back, but when I pulled him into me when he was hysterical it was like he fell into my arms and held so tightly. Its like he was hanging on for dear life. He did that with his father and Rea also.
I personally think he is on the path to recovery, but he has a long ways to go.
Much Luv,
Z
http://www.thehollowgifts.com/ |
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